Where the need to stop premature ejaculation exists, it can be a great source
of frustration to the couple involved.
There are some men who get so nervous or excited that they ejaculate before
they can get the penis into the vagina. There are others who can penetrate but
ejaculate before the woman has had an orgasm.
The question arises: whose fault is premature ejaculation? The man's - or his
partner's slow response? Or is it their mutually clumsy and inept lovemaking? Is
there a need for development of more sensate focus?
But good sex is anything that is sexually satisfactory to man and woman. A
man does not have to "hold out" for a certain number of minutes in bed before he
can qualify as a virile lover.
Experienced lovers can manipulate one another to accommodate almost any
chosen time schedule.
A woman can respond orgasmically 30 seconds after penetration if she has been
stimulated to be "wildly ready."
There's no doubt that lots of men think they are premature ejaculators and
inadequate lovers when nothing is wrong during sex except that they aren't in
rhythm with their partners.
Misconceptions excepted, however, there are real premature ejaculators, and
there are men who, with their partners, would like to spend a longer time
thrusting than they are able to do.
One definition is that a man has a premature ejaculation problem if he's
unable to satisfy his partner (bring her to orgasm) at least 50 percent of the
time - providing, that is, the female partner is capable of being satisfied.
Premature ejaculation often reflects socio-cultural orientation. Research
confirms that men of lesser education, lesser income, and lesser socioeconomic
groups are less likely to care about whether their female partners are orgasmic.
Why do men develop premature ejaculation?
As far as one's future sex life is concerned, most forms of adolescent sex
play are unhelpful. Experts believe the woman is over-stimulated, often without
And the man moves towards a hasty ejaculation far too quickly. Such patterns
have a way of persisting later in life when they are no longer desirable, if
indeed they ever were.
Prematurely ejaculating men fail to satisfy their partner, who may never have
orgasms unless the couple bring in foreplay that is designed to satisfy the
Lack of orgasm for a woman means unhappiness: so if you're a man who needs
the skills to last longer, it's high time you learned them.
Premature ejaculation may be so bad that a man can't be touched on the penis
without quickly ejaculating, or it may consist of a man ejaculating within
moments while engaging in "love play", or not being able to last very long after
The majority of men who seek help ejaculate within the first few thrusts of
the penis into the vagina - before the woman has a chance to arrive at orgasm.
Such a man brings with him a partner who is often attractive, intelligent,
informed, and has read most of the sex manuals.
She knows her man has a problem but it hasn't yet occurred to her that as a
partner she has one, too. Unfortunately, many couples with this problem don't
get around to seeking treatment for quite a long time. It may be five years
after they get together in marriage or relationship. Or it may be 20 years.
The longer it is, the worse the problem may become. In the interim they don't
understand why there is so much quarreling, distraction, and exhaustion.
They are diverted by the man's upward climb in profession or business, the
woman's energetic devotion to childrearing, the adventure of establishing a home
- until the woman reaches the point where she is totally dissatisfied, sexually.
Some women caught in this bind seek other men or women as sexual partners.
What happens more often, however, is a period of years of struggle, during which
both partners are bewildered and unhappy.
The woman knows she's not getting sexual satisfaction. Her man doesn't know
why she is such a bitch. They have no sensate focus. In this period, the woman
verbalizes and acts out her sexual discontent.
Every time she does it, she makes things worse. If you keep telling a person
he is no good and he has it demonstrated to him every day, he begins to believe
it. The tragic error that often happens at this stage is that couples reduce
their sensate input rather than increase it.
Admittedly, some men do respond by increasing the frequency of their attempts
at intercourse, others withdraw from all attempts, and still others have an
affair and find a sexual partner other than their relationship partner.
Clinical records show that premature ejaculators, faced with repeated
failures, often retrogress sexually and become impotent. The transition is
clearly marked and alarming.
The man may ejaculate when he has half an erection and, later, may ejaculate
with no visible erection. He may just "seep" seminal fluid and ejaculate with no
Rapid ejaculators remain that way all their lives unless they go out of their
way to learn calculated methods of control.
But premature ejaculation can be successfully prevented with a simple
technique that lets you persist longer in bed.
To hundreds of thousands of couples who suffer because the man comes too fast
or the woman too slow this simple physiological device can mean a great deal. It
is a learned "slow-down" for the man that enables him to last longer during sex.
Couples complaining of premature ejaculation have long been told that at the
very instant the ejaculatory experience begins the woman should temporarily
retard it by applying the "squeeze technique."
This was first brought to public attention by Masters and Johnson, but they
didn't invent this method. They credited it to Dr. James H. Semans, who first
described it in "Premature Ejaculation: A New Approach" (Southern Medical
Journal, 49: 353-357, 1956).
Dr. Masters and Mrs. Johnson would tell a woman to fondle her man to an
erection, with or without oil or lotion. Then they assumed a position called
"training position for ejaculatory control."
In this position the female partner sits up straight in bed, her back braced
by the head of the bed, and possibly supported by pillows.
She spreads her legs. Her man lies opposite her on his back, his head in the
direction of the end of the love play. When he again feels the warning onset of
ejaculation, he asks her to squeeze again. This reduces his arousal and
lengthens the time to ejaculation.
There are some women who just can't bring themselves to squeeze the penis
hard enough to make the squeeze technique work. One woman said, "I squeezed,
just as I'd been instructed, but I asked my man, 'Doesn't it hurt?' He said,
'No, I think you're supposed to squeeze harder.' So I did. But I was still
afraid that he was just being brave."
For such doubters, Masters and Johnson directed that the man placed his
fingers over his partner's and show her just how much pressure he could bear.
What happens next was described by Masters and Johnson as "non-demanding
intromission." That was their delicate and dignified way of describing a posture
for intercourse in which the woman is in command and yet makes no demands on her
The "female superior coital position" -- or woman on top sex position - was
advocated by Masters and Johnson, like the squeeze play on the penis, as a
temporary technique to cure rapid ejaculation.
(If, afterwards, it proves pleasant and useful, that's a matter of personal
choice.) It is combined with the squeeze technique, and here is how it goes:
over three or four days a couple learns to do the squeeze.
No penetration of the penis into the vagina has yet occurred in that time.
But now they have the green light.
The man lies supine - that is spine down on the mattress - with his head
toward the headboard of the bed.
His legs are slightly spread apart. His woman crouches astride him with her
bent knees approximately opposite his nipples.
She uses all the techniques she has been taught in the past few days -
including use of oil or massage lotion - to encourage him to have an erection.
She may apply the squeeze technique several times as her man's erection and
impulse to ejaculate builds and goes away. This extends lovemaking a bit longer
The longest session of training I ever had to engage in for a couple was 4
weeks. (And yes, going over the ground again may be needed as an ongoing
refresher for a long time to come.)
Then she leans gently forward so that her breasts are dangling over his
chest. With her hand she gently guides her man's penis so that it slips
effortlessly into her vagina.
His hands support her hips. The woman should always guide the penis into the
vagina. Once the penis is inserted the woman does not move. She doesn't rock
back and forth.
Continued in next column
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She must not "sit down" strongly on her man's hips but remains in the leaning
forward position. Her hands may be on his shoulders or on the mattress beside
Neither is asking anything of the other at that time except the quiet pleasure of vaginal containment.
If the man tells his partner he feels the onset of an ejaculation she arches
her back, permitting the penis to slide out, and firmly performs the squeeze
Then she reinserts the penis as before. Pelvic thrusting on his or her part
is still forbidden.
The man is cautiously given permission to move his penis in and out of her
vagina just enough to retain his erection.
The woman is under orders to remain motionless. The female "superior" sex
position is at a 40-degree angle and the sole of his foot is resting on the
The woman lengthens out her right leg. Her right leg is now between her man's
legs. Her weight is now leaning on her remaining bent knee -- her left knee. The
couple then move into the lateral position.
Next: She lowers and extends her body so that it is even more parallel -
almost chest to chest, although her left leg is still bent and her weight is
balanced on that knee.
Next: The man puts his left hand across her shoulders in the middle of her
neck and his right hand on her buttocks and uses the strength of his arms to
hold them firmly together.
Next: Now they roll - he to the left, she to the right. The penis remains in
Next: They complete the roll. The male is turned on his right flank: The
woman is largely lying on her stomach, tipped to her left off her man's torso.
Each may need to be propped in that position by pillows. Her right thigh rests
its weight on his left thigh.
Next: The woman puts her right arm and the man puts his left arm around each
other's necks. Their other two arms are left free for fondling and love play.
The woman bends her right leg upward a bit so that her knee is braced against
the bed. Her left leg is thrown over her man's right hip so her knee is resting
on the bed. With these slightly bent knees and her weight thrown to her left,
she has leverage for bearing down on the penis at her and his will.
Masters and Johnson admitted there may be some difficulty in converting from
female-mounted "superior" sex position to the lateral sex position. In their
textbook they do not say who signals when it's time to move.
Presumably the idea is mutual or it comes from one partner and is willingly
acceded to by the other.
When a couple with a problem of premature ejaculation has learned to use this
position, the squeeze technique is not supposed to be a part of their future sex
life but should be used, when needed, for the next few months.
They are encouraged to have frequent and regular sex. In-between times they
are urged to be spontaneous - to do what comes naturally. This natural
expression of the gender roles is nowhere more elegantly expressed than in the
dating advice program called the Tao of Badass.
You can read about it here.
And all of this assumes that there is no other problem affecting the couple -
for example, no relationship stressors, no minor illnesses to interfere with
their sexual pleasure, and above all, no sexually transmitted infections that
may be passed between the partners - including such things as yeast infections.
If you wish to deal with the minor irritation and redness of a Candida
albicans infection, then you should try some home remedies - as described,
perhaps, in Linda Allen's Yeast Infection No More.
Hopefully, they will leave their stopwatches and anxieties behind them.
Hopefully, the man will begin to feel more confidence about lasting longer in
The sense of putting on a performance will also have disappeared. Women are
told that in the early days of their menstrual period, when most couples do not
care to have intercourse, they can use their time manually stimulating their man
and then using the squeeze technique.
Masters and Johnson consistently emphasized the role of the woman in
To the woman who asked, "Why can't he turn himself off?" they said something
like, "He can learn to turn himself off, but it doesn't help to reeducate him
alone. When he goes back to you, he would have just as much trouble as ever.
However, if you can help to reeducate him, together you can work out this