It is interesting that any major problem which arises in sexual interaction - outside of traumatic sexual experiences in youth - is almost without fail a problem of defect of feeling or sexual capacity - not of sex. Contrary to most information the most important site for the opening of sexuality lies not in the genitals but in the solar plexus, which appears to be the focus of most of our emotions. If that area can be opened so that feelings flow between partners, sexuality is bound to follow.
Sometimes the question is one of draining off limitations, inhibitions, and loadings. Methods can be cultivated for "letting go" at the time and for working on the problem at other times. These methods fall into the realm of the therapeutic, and include techniques used by therapy groups, psychodrama, experiencing the now, acting "as if" and so on, as well as symbolic or fantasy-type methods.
An imaginative individual can visualize a spigot where the solar plexus lies (in that area from the lower part of the breastbone down to the navel). Once the spigot is "felt," he can turn it on and let all the negative feelings and difficulties flow out. As the area clears, he is amazed to feel the pressure and weight lessening, and finally the flow of feelings beginning between himself and his mate.
This flow is enhanced if the couple stand or lie facing each other, closely touching the length of their bodies, especially close in the solar plexus areas. Once one individual is open to the flow of feelings, the other is usually carried along into openness, and both develop feelings of affection, warmth, and love - with sexuality following closely behind.
Although anorgasmic women may have sexuality cut off from feeling, it is usually the man who doesn't really feel. It is as though, in our society, men are allowed two feelings: anger and sexuality. Women are allowed the gentle emotions of warmth, tenderness and affection. This is a phenomenon which is not usually recognized, let alone understood. Since men use the same words women do about feeling, and since they think they feel and speak as though they feel (not knowing themselves that something is lacking), it is very difficult for them to know that they do not feel. It is much the same as with a color-blind person before he discovers his difficulty: he has names for the colors red and green and discriminates between the two in his perceptions. However, he is perceiving shades of gray and brown, not red as it exists distinct from green.
Actually, almost all men in our culture have a deficit of feeling to some extent. It is only as one observes the miracle of the birth of feeling that the picture begins to clarify, both for the man who feels, and for the observer.
The causes for this cutoff of feeling are probably twofold: first, the rigid cultural differentiation which allows little girls to feel and to cry freely but requires that boys suppress all forms of "sissy" feelings; and the cutting off of feeling very early in a sensitive child because of too much pain. In some men one sees sensitive humans who had so much emotional pain and confusion when they were young that they not only shut off feelings but carried the process even further by moving away from people and toward things in their vocation in order to make doubly sure they would not be further hurt.
The lack of feeling areas of emotion - the stronger emotions for a woman, the gentler for a man - puts a limitation on sexual experiencing. One of the important functions which modern men and women can perform for each other is to widen their partner's capacity to feel. The man helps the woman open to her feelings of sexuality and aggressiveness and to allow them fully. She is much more conditioned against sex than he: it is difficult to suddenly reverse the programming and say, "Yes please!" The woman in turn teaches the man the value of tenderness and sensitivity and how the gentle emotions can act to embellish even strong passion.
There are other specific techniques which help bring feeling. A very simple one is the movement of hands over the body of the partner, not just the erogenous zones, but the whole body so that tactile feelings come into play. This might start with a massage or back rub of the one who feels cut off, moving at times into breast and genital areas and away again so that sexuality is subtly brought into play.
It is interesting to consider the semantic link between "to feel" as in tactile and "to feel" emotionally. Even the word emotion comes from ex (out of) and movere (to move): arising out of, or from motion, or moving out from. It is quite possible that adults who are too restricted in their feelings were prevented as children from moving and feeling freely in their environment and thus suffered from too early a constraint of exploratory and mastery urges. They were probably not allowed to "touch" bodies - their own or others - or probably even (valuable?) objects, they were certainly not allowed to feel whenever and whatever they wanted, and it is quite possible that when they reached out for new experiences and for learning about things by touching them and putting them into their mouths, their hands were slapped. The fear of having fingers or hands chopped off may very well be as serious a castration worry as the fear of loss of a penis and would be a source of restriction for girls as well as for boys.
While we are discussing aids to the feeling of sexuality, we should not overlook some of the obvious means available to any couple. In the first place, the constant orientation should be toward opening up sexually: both individuals should move toward sexual feelings at any and every (appropriate) opportunity. If listening to music together opens them to each other and to sex, they should plan for music, maybe even making love to special pieces; if dancing is of benefit, they should have a time of moving together before maybe indulging in a double striptease as they go to bed. If reading poetry or erotic passages enhances feeling, that should be done; romantic movies often stimulate and awaken sexual desire and so forth.
Each individual and every committed couple has different likes and dislikes; various stimuli make them more open to each other and to sexual feelings. These different aids should be sought out and cultivated so they can be used to help the couple toward greater openness and feelings. Selective and careful drinking can be of great benefit for those who have no reservations about alcohol and whose barriers lower with a drink or two. Care must be taken against too much liquor because even a little bit too much blurs feelings, allows negative elements from the unconscious to be expressed, and depresses rather than relaxes.
Also, the man should not be afraid to use male strength in his lovemaking. Many women at heart want to be overwhelmed and carried away into passionate feelings. However, there is a very delicate line, as no woman wants to be forced against her will; nor does a normal woman want to be hurt in lovemaking beyond the love bites or strawberry bruises which enhance passion and are not even felt as pain during strong sexual interaction. The distinction between rape and force is the discriminating line: it should be the force of strength which is applied in the lovemaking and not the force of imposition of action against the will of the other person.
There is also another technique which has been found to be very effective in arousing sexual feelings in both men and women and has served as a valuable tool against impotence: nursing. It may sound strange to consider having a man "nurse" at his wife's breast; however, it works relatively rapidly and in almost every case arouses both the husband and the wife. It is as though the man goes back to get some basic nourishment which he failed to receive in childhood (some men swear that they feel wonderfully satisfied, and sexually aroused); at the same time, the woman has great feelings of adequacy at providing "nourishment" for the man she loves.
Breasts are highly erogenous zones; any stimulation of them should be arousing, but nursing appears to be especially so. Also, sexual feelings while a mother is nursing her child are universal; if they are not felt the chances are that the mother is frightened of her sexuality toward her child and blocks the feelings from her awareness. The nursing technique taps into their process. The progression of a man from sexual immaturity and impotence has been observed in patients merely by means of the addition of a nursing "schedule" of ten to fifteen minutes night and morning, with any resulting sexual feelings carried through to completion.
Psychological impotence (and "immature" penis and "immature sexuality" which all appear to be different forms of the same phenomenon) arises from fear or hostility or a combination of the two. Probably a large component of the immaturity contains unaccepted and unacceptable animal and so-called sadistic elements of the man's feelings, a combination of hostility and unresolved oral dependency (experienced as the desire to bite that which one loves) and fear of betraying himself in giving any indication of the presence of these feelings. Suppression of any element of strong feeling suppresses sexuality itself. The man chooses to appear immature and undeveloped rather than to reveal such "dangerous" feelings.
Hostility (often unconscious) on the part of either the man or the woman can result in the inability to achieve and maintain an erection. Hostility on the part of the man can be from feeling that he is expected to do too much or that his body processes are under control of the woman, or at invalidly imposed guilt about sexuality. The fear can arise because of strict childhood repression of any show of sexuality, from fear of being caught masturbating, fear of having an erection (which haunts a pubescent boy's days, particularly in school situations), fear of inadequacy and non-performance, and so on.
The technique of nursing takes the husband and wife back to the most basic situation of nourishment, and redoes it while both allowing and rewarding sexual feelings. The "child" has the experience of relearning that there is enough to nourish him and that he will get his share, and - almost more important in our situation - that he will not only be allowed body feelings by mother, but that she will feel these feelings with him, and will help him to fulfillment and nourishment in both of the two basic areas of food and sex.
At the same time a couple is using nursing as a technique to open sexuality and to overcome feelings of inadequacy and impotence, there should be some sort of regular daily hostility discharge for both of them. Hostility must be separated out from sexuality; as it begins to separate, the need for a discharge mechanism arises. There are a number of therapeutic techniques for this: hitting a punching bag; pounding a couch or bed; throwing "tantrums" on the bed when alone; smashing up cardboard cartons; and throwing clay (and then working it with the hands) among others.
Working the hostility out by direct fighting of the couple is not recommended. When fights start (and they will inevitably arise during this period of working through old and uncreative neurotic patterns), the couple should immediately separate and write down, each of them, the events which led up to the difficulty. These "reports" should be gone over together simultaneously with either a professional counselor or a very competent "referee" so that the mechanics of each individual's difficulty become clear to them both. Half the battle - provided, of course, that the couple want to solve the problem - is in making unconscious neurotic mechanisms conscious and overt. If their true desire is to maintain the interlocking neurosis while they make verbal noises about wanting to solve the problem, this will very soon become apparent to an objective third party. The couple should then be helped to see what it is they really want, and how to go about relieving the situation of unrealistic pseudo-desires so that they can move directly toward achieving their goal, no matter how neurotic (so long as it is not harmful to either), in order that they may see how the achievement of the goal feels, and find out if that is really what they want.
If the avowed goal is sexuality but the real goal is control, this will become evident as overt mechanisms are initiated to move toward the sexuality, discharging hostility and unraveling conflict along the way. Then the real problem of wanting to control more than wanting to relate or to experience sexuality can be dealt with and hopefully brought to resolution. It is impossible, however, to solve any problem of sexuality when sexuality is not the problem but merely a reflection of it.